Mess with the Bull you get the Balls

Taurine is a nifty little substance, to say the least. As its Latinate name reveals to the learned reader, it is a chemical extracted from a bull's anatomy. And not just from any part of the male cow's body, but a most sensitive region: the testicles. Along with mass amounts of sugar and caffeine, Taurine is a main ingredient of Red Bull Energy Drink, hailing from Austria, Euroland. If this fact is a novelty that puts your past experience with the gummy-bear tasting liquid in a disturbing light, calm down. The Taurine contained in it is purely synthetic, so no gonads were drained in the making of this softdrink. Taurine’s main benefit is that it allows a gradual release of the accompanied caffeine into the consumer's bloodstream. Whereas the caffeine in a cup of coffee hits your veins an instant after consumption, the Taurine in Red Bull slows down the process and puts the energizer bunny in you in intervals, making the results last considerably longer. In the old world—Europe—the big boost packaged in slim, futuristic cans with the macho logo (symbolizing strength and dexterity) has become a fixed institution. Invented as an amplifier for any kind of athletic activity, Red Bull has caused quite a stir in the nightlife, as well, where it is consumed in combination with hard stuff for amazing effects. The craze is the latest and greatest Euro-trend to sweep America since the Spice Girls, platform shoes, and the Backstreet Boys successfully infiltrated the mainstream.

As a drink, Red Bull is best with Ruskie water. The Russian liquid heat is known to willingly take on the flavor of its sweet antagonist. In return, the Taurine molecules allow those intoxicating little molecules to hop on for a wild ride around your system. You will feel the steam of bullpower as the stuff comes pounding into your synapses. Once you're dancing with the bull, a unique sensation sets in: You’re absolutely shit-faced, but bursting with mischievous energy and the potential for far more than the usual ruckus. Sweet as soda, mass amounts can be quickly consumed without the burning sensation, making the drink a favorite at carousals for real men with authentic chest-hair. And girls love it. Introduce them to your new friend, break out a little lore about the testicle part and conspicuously embark on a drinking binge together. If you played your cards right and the weekend excursion to the club produced a woman kind enough to let you hit it, the Bull mixtery reveals yet another blessing. With its brilliant combination of energizer and tranquilizer, your qualities as dexterous lover will reach yet unknown heights. While one part numbs you sufficiently to make you last on the grind, the Bull puts extra intensity behind the bump. You get the picture. But lo, those with a known sensitivity for hard stuff should approach the Bull with caution: While you party with the balls, the horns are right around the corner.

 ­Dirk Vogel